Arkham Exposed
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When the Gotham City Sirens get an offer from Playman magazine to do a nude photo shoot, two of the three of them leap at the opportunity. Harley Quinn remains reluctant, however, thanks to her domineering boyfriend the Joker, who is adamant that his property doesn't expose herself to others. And that people would much rather see him naked anyway.
1. Chapter 1

** Arkham Exposed **

"Pammie, you've got mail!" exclaimed the Joker, entering the Rec Room in Arkham Asylum to see a small, flat parcel addressed to Poison Ivy placed on the table.

"J, the 90s are over. Try to let them go, huh?" sighed Ivy, heading over to the couch and picking up the parcel. She opened it and smiled. "Oh, the magazine's here!" she exclaimed.

"Magazine?" repeated Harley Quinn, puzzled. "What magazine?"

"I told you, Harley – I was contacted by this magazine and asked to do some lingerie modeling," replied Ivy, flipping through it. "And I gotta say, it looks good."

"I'll be the judge of that, Weed Lady," retorted Joker, grabbing the magazine from her. "Dames can't judge how good they look in lingerie – that's why they think they look good in pink and bows…although I wouldn't say no to planting myself into that garden!" he chuckled.

"I didn't do it to be ogled by the likes of you, you disgusting creep," growled Ivy, snatching the magazine back. "I did it to empower women, and prove that you can still look sexy while being a strong feminist figure."

"And I'm sure that means that no creepy guys are ogling your printed form as we speak," chuckled Joker. "Hey nerds, here's something you might wanna keep under your pillow!" he called, grabbing the magazine back from Ivy and then throwing it into the corner. Jervis Tetch was painting a watercolor, and Jonathan Crane was reading a book, which he dropped with an annoyed grunt as the magazine hit him in the face. "Not Hatty, though – you're a little old for him," continued Joker, smiling at Ivy. "He likes younger dames."

"As does someone else in this room," murmured Tetch, lightly, as Harley draped herself over Joker.

Crane glanced at the magazine, and then stood up to bring it back over to Ivy. "You look stunning, Pamela," he said. "I imagine you'll help drive their sales immeasurably. I hope you're getting a cut of it."

"Thanks, Johnny, but I didn't do this for the money," she replied. "I'm donating every penny I made on the photoshoot to help the rainforest."

"Yeah, and how many rainforest trees were killed printing that magazine?" chuckled Joker. "That's like shooting up an orphanage, and then donating money to help children's charities. Aw, you're such a joke, Weed Lady!" he giggled, settling on the sofa to watch TV.

"Wow, that's a really pretty picture, Jervis," said Harley, coming over to look at his painting of a riverbank. "I didn't know you were such a talented artist."

"Well, it's just a hobby of mine," replied Tetch, modestly. "But thank you, Harley. I've still got to add a rowing boat on the river with me and Alice in it, but the background is mostly finished."

An idea struck Harley. "Uh…Jervis, can I have a quick word in private?" she asked, looking over at Joker to make sure he was distracted by the cartoons on the TV.

"Oh…certainly, Harley," Tetch said, standing up and following her out of the room. "What is it?"

Harley bit her lip. "Uh…a few months from now is me and Mr. J's six year anniversary as a couple, and I wanted to get him something really special this year. Y'know, something unique, that you couldn't just buy in a store, because he's a really unique guy and deserves a nice, personalized gift…anyway, seeing as you're such a good artist, I was kinda wondering if you could maybe…paint a picture of me for him."

"What, a portrait?" he asked. He thought for a moment. "Well, it's not my specialty by any means, but I could certainly give it a shot."

"Aw, you're the greatest, Jervis!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms and hugging him. "Just let me know when you're free and I'll sneak into your cell! I want it to be a surprise for Mr. J and all, so can we just keep this between ourselves?"

"Yes, of course, my dear," he replied. "I can keep a secret."

"I usually can't," replied Harley. "So if you hear me start to try to give it away, stop me somehow, would you? Just hit me or something, like Mr. J does. Thanks, Jervis, you're a pal," she said, returning to the Rec Room.

The telephone rang at that moment, and Ivy picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Poison Ivy?" said a voice on the other end.

"Speaking," she replied.

"Miss Ivy, my name is Harry Hefter, and I work for Playman magazine. You might have heard of us."

"Yes, I have, Mr. Hefter," retorted Ivy, coldly. "It's that magazine that exploits women by making them dress up as bunnies and be arm candy to men, isn't it?"

"We don't make women do anything, Miss Ivy," he replied. "In fact, I think if you spoke to most of our models, you'd be pleased to discover that they're largely feminist, using their not inconsiderable assets in order to assert themselves. An attractive woman can have a tremendous amount of power over men, as I'm sure you know."

"Yes, I do know that," she replied. "And as long as they're using their bodies to assert themselves, rather than to serve men, I'm in full support of it."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Miss Ivy," replied Mr. Hefter. "Because I've just seen your lingerie shoot, and I'd like to offer you a job modeling for us at Playman magazine. We'd like to do a photo shoot of the Gotham City Sirens, focusing on the women behind the men of Gotham City. I mean, the press gives so much attention to the Batman and the Joker, but what about the women of Gotham? Aren't they at least as important as the men, if not more so? I think everybody gets tired of reading about a buncha brutish guys beating each other up night after night – they'd like to read about people who are a little more refined. And who's more refined than the ladies of Gotham?"

Ivy glanced over to where Harley was seated on the floor next to the Joker, her head leaning against his lap as he petted her like a dog. "Yeah…I'm not sure refined is the right word…" she said, slowly.

"You know what I mean, Miss Ivy. The Gotham City Sirens are stylish, sophisticated, and sexy, and role models for thousands of young girls all over the planet."

"Uh…role models, really?" said Ivy, her face twisting in disgust as Joker suddenly shoved Harley away from him, and Harley began pleading and whining and nuzzling against him.

"Of course. You're empowered women – beautiful, talented and deadly. And you didn't need a man to help you get where you are."

"You've heard about Harley Quinn, right?" asked Ivy.

"Hi, person on the phone!" called Harley, waving as she heard her name mentioned, and then returning to trying to snuggle against Joker.

"Well, you can't deny that you and Selina are true feminists," he replied. "And Harley has her share of fans too. The point is we'd like all three of you to agree to do this photoshoot."

Ivy nodded slowly. "I'll talk to the girls and get back to you, Mr. Hefter."

"Thanks, Miss Ivy, I really appreciate it," he said. "I don't think I need to add that you'll be well paid…"

"No, I assumed that," replied Ivy, nodding.

"And that it'll be a nude photo shoot," he finished. "Talk to you later, Miss Ivy."

He hung up the phone. Ivy stared at it, wondering if she had just heard correctly. She wasn't uncomfortable at being photographed nude – a few of her old boyfriends had been into that. Selina would probably be fine with it too. But she wondered how Harley would take it.

She shrugged, picking up her magazine again. "I'll ask her later," she said to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that evening when the inmates had all retired to their individual cells, Jervis Tetch was putting the finishing touches on his painting when he heard a soft knocking on his door.

"Come in," he said.

Harley entered, looking around furtively to make sure no one could see her. She shut the cell door and then let out a sigh of relief. "Evening, Jervis!" she said, beaming. "And thanks again for doing this for me. Mr. J is just gonna love it!"

"Well, surely that depends a little on my skill as a painter," said Tetch, smiling. "Um…would you like to be standing or seated…"

"Lying down," said Harley firmly, heading over to the bed and climbing on top of it.

"Oh…very well," said Tetch. "A little unorthodox for portraiture, but I don't mind a little occasional eccentricity. We are in a lunatic asylum, after all."

Harley was wearing a coat, and Tetch was about to ask if she wanted to be painted wearing that or her outfit underneath it, when Harley pulled the coat open and off, revealing her naked body.

Tetch just gaped at her as Harley continued to babble. "Should I maybe have a pillow or a hand placed discreetly over my…y'know, or do you think it's sexier to be a little exposed? And how's the light? Is it hitting my curves right? Should I reposition myself somehow?"

"Harley, what…are you doing?" gasped Tetch.

"Me? I'm modeling," she replied, frowning. "For the erotic portrait of me you're supposed to be painting, for me and Mr. J's anniversary."

"Erotic…portrait?" repeated Tetch, slowly.

"Yeah. Why? I did tell you it was an erotic portrait, didn't I?" she asked.

"Erm…no…you didn't," he stammered.

"Oh," she said, her face falling. "Guess I just assumed you'd know. Oh well," she said, shrugging. "You ain't uncomfortable with it, are you? Being gay and all."

"I'm…not gay," he stammered. "But I am…madly in love with another woman, which I suppose is the same thing. It will assure my disinterest," he sighed, picking up his pen.

"I want it to look kinda like the one in _Titanic_," continued Harley. "Y'know, 'Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls'."

"I don't know what that is," he replied.

"You've never seen _Titanic_?!" demanded Harley, sitting up suddenly. Then she shrugged, lying back down again. "Actually, you ain't missing much. The girl says to the guy that she'll never let him go, right before she lets him go and his frozen corpse sinks into the ocean. I mean, talk about making and breaking a promise! If it'd been me and Mr. J, I would have dragged his frozen corpse around with me wherever I went! Course if it had been me and Mr. J, we probably both coulda fit on that door because neither of us is that fat…"

"That's most interesting, Harley, but perhaps it would be better for you to move or speak as little as possible," interrupted Tetch. "For my concentration."

Harley shrugged, settling herself back down and putting one arm above her head and one arm next to her face. Tetch had only been sketching for a few minutes when his cell door opened again and Jonathan Crane entered.

"Good evening, Jervis, I wonder if I might borrow…" he began, but he stopped speaking suddenly as he noticed Harley naked and sprawled over Tetch's bed. His jaw dropped as he just stared at her, completely speechless.

"Hi, Johnny!" she called, waving cheerfully at him. "Don't mind me! In fact, if you could pretend you didn't know anything about me being here, that'd be great. It's very hush hush, y'know," she said, putting a finger to her lips.

Crane couldn't respond, steadying himself against the door frame, literally unable to take his eyes off Harley. "Wh…wha…what's going on?" he gasped. "This is a dream, isn't it?"

"No, this is Harley's idea of an anniversary surprise for the Joker," retorted Tetch, showing him the outline he'd sketched. "She wants me to paint an erotic portrait of her."

"Do you think this is erotic enough, Johnny?" asked Harley, in genuine concern. "Maybe I should try a different position…"

"Excuse me, I have to go," gasped Crane, rushing from the cell suddenly.

Harley shrugged, settling herself back down. A knock suddenly came on the door. "Aw, what now?" she demanded, sitting up. "Geez, it's like I got some kinda alarm that tells people when I'm naked, and that's when they decide to come bother me!"

Tetch went to open the door. "Hi Jervis," said Poison Ivy. "Is Harley here? I saw her heading this way."

"Oh yeah, c'mon in, Red!" called Harley.

Tetch held the door open and Ivy entered the room. Her expression on seeing Harley naked was similar to Crane's, but she recovered herself much quicker. "Harley, what are you doing?" she asked. "I know I've encouraged you to dump the clown, but cheating on him with Jervis is just not the best way to go about it."

Harley laughed. "Aw no, Red, it ain't what you think!" she giggled. "Actually, I kinda thought Jervis was gay until tonight."

"No, he's in love with that kid, everyone knows that," retorted Ivy.

"Alice is twenty six," growled Tetch.

"Jervis is drawing an erotic portrait of me for me and Mr. J's anniversary," continued Harley. "It's gonna be a sexy surprise for him, and then afterwards he can get to know the model," she giggled.

Ivy rolled her eyes. "I think he'd rather have an erotic portrait of Batman," she retorted.

"I'm not doing that," snapped Tetch. "I don't really know how I was roped into doing this."

"Anyway, Harley, I'm glad you're comfortable posing naked for things," continued Ivy. "I got a call earlier today from the head of Playman magazine who wants the Gotham City Sirens to do a nude spread for it. I've just got off the phone with Selina, and she's up for it. I just wanted to be sure you were in too."

Harley's face fell. "Gee…you mean pose naked for something that gets printed in a magazine?" she asked, slowly. "That thousands of people are gonna see?" She frowned. "I dunno, Red. I'm comfortable with this because only Mr. J is gonna see it. But to be spread all over everywhere, and seen by millions of strange eyes…"

She shuddered. "Nah, I don't wanna do that, Red."

"Oh, c'mon, Harley, don't be a baby," snapped Ivy. "I'll make sure the photoshoot is tastefully done. There's nothing wrong with nudity – in fact, it's very empowering for a woman to show that she's completely comfortable in her own body."

"But that don't mean I have to let everyone get a look at my body, does it?" asked Harley, slowly. "I mean, I'm comfortable enough that I don't need to show myself off…"

"It's not showing yourself off," retorted Ivy. "It's asserting your womanhood, and empowering the female body. You're only ashamed of your naked form because men have told you to be. You have to grow up, Harley, and assert yourself."

"Well…I know Mr. J ain't gonna like it," said Harley, firmly. "And I wouldn't wanna upset him…"

"You can't let that disgusting excuse for a man control you, mentally or physically!" snapped Ivy. "He can't tell you what you can and can't do with your own body!"

"No, but I don't think he'd like the thought of lots of others guys looking at me naked," said Harley. "As it is, he's kinda the only guy who's seen me naked, aside from Jervis, and Johnny, who just left," she said, nodding at the door. "Naked me is a special part of me only the man I love is allowed to see. If every guy on the planet got to see it, it wouldn't be special anymore. And I wouldn't wanna hurt him or make him angry…"

"Harley, I'm telling Playman you said yes," interrupted Ivy. "And we'll discuss this later. I'm sure when you think about it, you'll realize you're just being silly. There's no reason to be ashamed of the naked human body. It's a beautiful thing, and it deserves to be exposed in all its glory."

"Well, not everyone's," said Harley. "There are a lotta people I wouldn't wanna see naked. Killer Croc, Eddie Nygma, Robin…"

"You're not any of those people," interrupted Ivy. "You're Harley Quinn, and there are people out there who are prepared to pay you a lotta money to pose naked."

"But isn't that basically prostitution?" asked Harley.

"No. It's empowerment," snapped Ivy, striding from the cell.

Harley sighed, "Whatever you say, Red. Mr. J is not gonna be happy about this," she muttered, settling down again.


	3. Chapter 3

The Joker was seated in the Rec Room the next day, using crayons to design a plan to kill Batman. "Best thing about being a supervillain – you can still color with crayons," he murmured, scribbling a puddle of blood around Batman, and then adding consummate v daggers to his body. "I love my job," he giggled.

Harley skipped into the Rec Room, throwing her arms around his neck and cuddling him gently. "Morning, puddin'!" she said.

"Harley, I'm trying to color!" he snapped.

"Aw, everyone's feeling so arty right now!" sighed Harley. "Maybe I should take up drawing or sculpting or coloring…"

"It's a plan to kill the Bat, Harl, not a coloring book!" he snapped. "The crayons just make it more fun. And I'm a fun guy."

"You sure are, puddin'," she purred, nuzzling against him. "You left your cell so early this morning I didn't have a chance to see if you wanted a little playtime."

"I don't," he growled. "I want to be left alone to color."

Harley didn't usually take no for an answer, and she didn't this time either. She tried to cuddle against him until he grabbed her by the back of the neck and slammed her face into the desk. "Geez, Mr. J, you could just say you're not interested," she muttered through cupped hands over her bleeding nose. "At least my present's gonna get you interested in me again."

"Present? What present?" he asked.

"Oh…uh…nothing, Mr. J," she said, quickly.

"No, what present?" he asked.

"I…uh…didn't say present," invented Harley, hastily. "I said…presence. I said my presence is gonna get you interested in me again."

"But it didn't," he retorted. "So what you said doesn't really make any sense, Harley."

"Uh…yeah…but I've been talking a lotta nonsense lately on account of me hanging out with Jervis!" exclaimed Harley, as Tetch entered the room.

"Why have you been hanging out with Jervis?" asked Joker.

Harley looked at him helplessly. "I'm teaching her how to…brew a proper pot of tea," invented Tetch.

Joker snorted. "Sounds like a nerd skill. Why would you wanna learn a nerd skill, Harley?"

Harley shrugged. "Might be useful someday. Anywho, puddin', I kinda wanted to ask you a question."

He sighed. "Will I never be able to color in peace?" he muttered, shoving the paper away. "What?"

"Uh…how would you feel if…me and Ivy and Selina…uh…did a nude photoshoot for Playman magazine?" she asked.

He stared at her. "Who'd pay to see you nude?" he demanded. "Or the other two? Are guys really that desperate these days, that the Back Alley Cat and the Communal Flower Bed are considered hot eye candy?"

"I ain't really comfortable with it either, Mr. J, but Red said I was just being silly," she replied. "She says it's really feminine and empowering to expose your body."

"She would," snorted Joker. "But no, Harley, I'm not having my property displaying herself like a piece of meat. You tell Pammie no thanks."

"Tell Pammie no thanks about what?" demanded Ivy, entering the room at that moment.

"Uh…Mr. J ain't comfortable with me doing that nude spread, Red," said Harley. "So sorry, but…"

"You can't tell her what to do with her own body, you disgusting creep!" snapped Ivy at Joker.

"I can and do," retorted Joker. "What are you gonna do about it, Weed Lady?"

"Look, J, Playman's not interested unless all three of the Gotham City Sirens are involved," said Ivy. "As long as Harley's willing, what's the issue?"

"I'm…not willing…" began Harley.

"Look, Plant Lady, my Harley Quinn is no slut," interrupted Joker. "You think I want every guy on the planet getting an eyeful of my dame?! She's for my eyes only! And just because you and the Cat are willing to strip off for anything in pants doesn't mean I'm gonna let Harley do the same!"

"It's not your decision!" shouted Ivy. "It's Harley's!"

"And I don't wanna…" began Harley again.

"Yes, you do, Harley – you'll see," snapped Ivy.

"Anyway, nobody wants to see me naked," continued Joker.

"No, J, no one does," agreed Ivy.

"I do…" piped up Harley.

"I'm kinda offended they've contacted you three and not me, actually," said Joker, frowning. "That's not right."

"Why would a magazine for guys wanna see you naked?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, there's gotta be a female equivalent of these magazines, where dames wanna see naked spreads of hunks," said Joker.

"You really think you qualify as a hunk, J?" asked Ivy, skeptically.

"Of course I do!" he snapped. "I drive the dames crazy! Don't I, pooh?" he asked Harley.

"You sure do, puddin'," she purred, wrapping her arms around his neck. "But I don't wanna have a buncha dames get an eyeful of you either…"

"You can't tell me what to do with my own body!" he snapped.

"But you can forbid Harley from doing what she wants with hers?" demanded Ivy.

"Of course I can," he snapped. "That's the way we work."

"I'd really rather you didn't do a nude photoshoot, puddin'…" began Harley.

"It's a moot point, because nobody's asked him," snapped Ivy.

"Yet," finished Joker. "After I finish my plan for Bats, I'm gonna contact those women's magazines. And then we'll see who has the last laugh, Pammie."

"As long as you give Harley permission to do her nude photoshoot too," said Ivy, folding her arms across her chest.

"Absolutely not," he retorted. "I forbid it. It's demeaning for women to display themselves publicly."

"But it's not demeaning for men?" demanded Ivy.

"Exactly. Now you're getting it, Weed Lady," he said, returning his attention to the plan.

"Harley, the photographers are coming on Wednesday," said Ivy. "I hope you're not going to disappoint them. It's really not a big deal – I mean, you were naked in front of Jervis last night, after all."

Joker turned to stare at her. "What?" he demanded.

"Uh…it's the only way to brew proper tea, puddin'," she stammered. "Naked and all. English custom. Ain't that right, Jervis?" she called.

"Whatever you say, my dear," said Tetch, who hadn't been listening and was reading a book instead.

Joker snorted. "Buncha European weirdos," he muttered, focusing back on his plan. Harley breathed a sigh of relief, and then grabbed Ivy's arm and dragged her over to a corner, explaining that her nightly meetings were meant to be a secret.

Crane entered the Rec Room, coming over to sit next to Tetch. "Um…Jervis…are you and Harley going to be…regularly meeting like that every night?"

"I suspect so," sighed Tetch. "I'll try to get the portrait finished as quickly as possible – it's more an annoyance than anything else."

Crane laughed. "You and I have different definitions of an annoyance, Jervis," he replied. "I must say, I envy you."

"Why?" he asked, puzzled.

"Um…well…you get to…examine a very attractive, nude young lady every evening," said Crane, slowly.

"She's not that attractive," snorted Tetch.

Crane stared at him. "Are you blind?" he demanded.

"No, I just don't find Harley that attractive," retorted Tetch. "Nothing compared to my Alice, certainly."

Crane said nothing, but stood up and left the room. "I didn't believe the pedophile rumors were true until now," he sighed to himself. "But honestly, if he doesn't find Harley attractive, there must be something the matter with him."


	4. Chapter 4

On Wednesday morning, Poison Ivy knocked on the door to Harley's cell. "Harley? You awake? The cameras are gonna be here in a couple hours, and I thought we'd better start getting ready."

She was greeted with a groan. "Aw…I ain't feeling so good, Red…"

Ivy heard her coughing and pushed open the door to see Harley curled up in bed with bright red spots all over her face and body. She coughed again, staring at her with watery eyes.

"Oh my God, Harley, are you ok?!" cried Ivy, rushing over to examine her. "What is it? It looks like measles!"

"Yeah…could be measles…Red!" coughed Harley, through a dry voice. "I'm real sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to do the photoshoot today…"

"Oh, don't worry about that, baby," said Ivy, concerned. "Let's just get you to the nurse…"

"No, I just wanna…sleep, Red," she coughed, pulling the covers up. "I'll call for the nurse later. Why don't you and Selina just do the shoot and not worry about me?"

"Baby, I'm not gonna just leave you when you're like this…" began Ivy, stroking her hair back from her face and accidentally brushing her hand against one of the spots…which instantly smudged. Ivy's eyes narrowed.

"Wait a minute…this is makeup, isn't it, Harley?" she demanded. "You've painted these spots on to try to get out of doing the photoshoot, haven't you?"

"Uh…no, I ain't done that, Red," stammered Harley, trying to pull the covers up and hide her face.

"Yes, you have!" snapped Ivy, ripping the blanket off and smudging more of the spots. "That's pathetic, Harley!"

Harley sighed in annoyance. "See, I told you it wouldn't work, Mr. J!" she snapped.

"It would've, if you'd been a better actress!" snapped the Joker, crawling out from under Harley's bed holding a can of red paint. "You were supposed to make it sound contagious, so she'd stay away from you!"

"I can't believe you would make me think you've got some kinda horrible disease rather than just do this goddamn photoshoot!" said Ivy, angrily. "That's despicable!"

"No, what's despicable is pressuring a gal to take off her clothes for dirty pictures when she don't wanna!" retorted Joker.

"And what's even more despicable is forbidding her from taking off her clothes if she wants to!" snapped Ivy.

"But I don't wanna, Red!" cried Harley. "I know you think it'll be all feminine and empowering, but I think I'm just gonna feel really awkward and uncomfortable! Why can't you just leave me outta it, huh?"

"You don't wanna do it, fine!" retorted Ivy. "Stay in your pathetic, male-constructed cage! Selina and me can work just fine without you!"

She stormed from the cell, and Harley breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I'm glad she finally respected my opinion, huh, Mr. J?" she asked.

"Yeah, your opinions should always be respected, toots," he said, glancing at his watch. "Now I gotta run – my photographers are gonna be here any minute."

"Photographers?" repeated Harley, puzzled.

"For my nude photoshoot, of course," he replied.

"But…Mr. J…I thought I told you I didn't want you to do that…" stammered Harley.

"You think anyone cares what you want?" he demanded.

"But you just said my opinions should always be respected…"

"Yeah, by that pushy plant, not by me!" he interrupted. "When have I ever respected your opinions?"

"But…Mr. J…" stammered Harley, tears in her eyes. "I…I really don't like the thought of you displaying yourself for thousands of women. You're my special guy, and your nakedness is kinda special to me…however rarely I get to see it. That's one of the reasons it's so special – because it's rare and secret and ours, as a couple. I don't want a lotta other dames to intrude on that."

"Well, like the Weed Lady said – it's my body, and I'll do what I want with it," he retorted. "I'll see you later, Harl."

He strode from the cell, whistling. Harley sighed, wandering into the Rec Room.

"Harley, why are you covered in red spots?" asked Jervis Tetch, looking up from his book.

"Oh, it was a trick to get me outta the nude photoshoot," she replied, sitting down on the sofa. "And it worked."

"You sound less than thrilled," he commented.

"Well, I'm pleased about it," she said. "But now Mr. J's gone off to go do a nude photoshoot on his own, which I don't want him to do."

"Nor does the world," said Tetch, making a face. "I really don't think it's prepared for that kind of horror."

"Puddin's a real attractive guy," said Harley, defensively.

"I might remind you, my dear, that all the men in here are forced to shower together," replied Tetch. "And I still have to disagree with your statement."

"Well, you ain't a woman," she snapped. "Or a gay man, apparently, or you'd find him completely irresistible. Just like every dame and gay guy is gonna do once they get an eyeful of him naked," she sighed. "They're probably gonna transform into an army of rabid monsters who'll try to compete with me for puddin's affections. Or worse, try to get me outta the way!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in horror. "Maybe his naked photoshoot's gonna cause such a craze, that people will be trying to kill me so they can replace me as Mr. J's lover! Well, I ain't gonna let that happen!" she cried, leaping to her feet. "I ain't gonna be assassinated by a buncha obsessive fans driven crazy by Mr. J's fantastic body! I'm gonna put a stop to that photoshoot right now!"

She raced out of the room. Tetch stared after her, sighed, and returned to his book. "Life would be so much simpler if we all just decided to keep our clothes on in public," he murmured.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hi, Mr. Joker, my name's Meg Bryant, and I'm gonna be your photographer today," said the woman who greeted the Joker in his cell. "I'm so glad you decided to contact our magazine – we've been looking for a feature that'll appeal to…less mainstream readers, shall we say. And a celebrity such as yourself is sure to prove incredibly popular with our female readers, especially those with…specialist tastes."

"Oooh, flattery will get you everywhere, sweetheart!" he chuckled. "Which is good, because I ain't taking my clothes off without it! Where do you want me?"

"Here in your cell is good," she said. "It's an intimate setting for an intimate look at the man many people consider to be nothing but a maniacal monster. But we're going to have photographic evidence today that you're all man, and I'm betting quite an impressive one."

"You bet right, sweetheart!" he chuckled. "So you want me completely nude? I think I wanna keep my socks on if that's ok – the garters drive the ladies wild!"

"Uh…sure, that's fine," stammered Meg. "I've brought some props if you wanna pose with them…I've got a stuffed Batman, and a Batman mask, and…"

"What are you trying to say about me and Bats?" demanded Joker.

"Uh…nothing," she said, slowly. "I just think it might be the sorta thing to titillate our readers' interest."

"Well, I've got my own props to titillate," said Joker, coldly. Then he grinned. "I'm sure Harley can personally vouch for their tit-elation!" he chuckled. "God, I tell ya, toots, sometimes I think it's unfair that I'm both this funny and attractive. All of the other guys in the world just pale in comparison. I'm surprised more of them don't commit suicide after they meet me. Although a fair number of them do end up dead regardless. Anyway, I got my slide whistle here, so I can hold that next to it to compare size and length," he chuckled, reaching under the bed and pulling out the whistle. "I also got my whoopie cushion. I can do things with that you won't believe," he giggled. "And, y'know, the joy buzzer, rubber chicken, boxing glove gun, depending on how hardcore you wanna get. So which one should I start with?"

"Uh…how about one of just you?" she said. "Maybe posed against the bars?"

"Oooh, I like it!" he giggled. "I guess my looks are criminal!"

He whistled, heading over to the bars and taking off his shirt. He pulled off his pants and looked toward the door, frowning. "Hmm…an insanely jealous clown girl should be knocking down that door any second now. Oh well," he shrugged, reaching down to remove his boxers.

The door banged open at that moment. "Buncha crazies ain't gonna assassinate me to get to Mr. J!" shrieked Harley Qunn, standing in the doorway shaking in rage. "Beat it, toots!" she cried, grabbing the camera from Meg and smashing it on the ground. "This shoot is over, and if you don't want me to shoot you in the face, you'll get your pervy photographer behind outta my boyfriend's cell, and outta this asylum! He's for my eyes only, get it?!"

"But…Miss Quinn…he's the one who invited me…" began Meg.

"Yeah, and now I'm ordering you to get the hell out!" Harley shrieked. "Nobody's gonna sell pictures of my puddin's body to a buncha looney magazine readers who'll go nuts for him! I can't compete with that kinda competition! There's only room for one psycho completely obsessed with Mr. J in the world, and that's me! You ain't creating more of them! Now out!"

Meg sighed, picking up the broken remains of the camera. "My employers are gonna kill me," she muttered.

"If you don't get outta here now, I'm literally gonna kill you," retorted Harley. "So you take your pick of which one you'd prefer."

Meg sighed again and left. "And you!" shrieked Harley, turning to face the Joker. "You put your clothes back on right now, Mr. J!"

He shrugged. "Ok, pooh, if you insist," he said, reaching for his shirt.

"Or…wait…no, don't do that!" said Harley suddenly, realizing that Mr. J in the semi-nude wasn't an experience she got often.

"No, no, no, I wouldn't dream of upsetting my little Harley baby by staying undressed a moment longer…" he said, pulling on his shirt.

"No, Mr. J, really, it's ok," she said, trying to pull it off again. "As long as it's just the two of us, you can completely strip off if you want…"

"Harley, what's going on in here?" demanded Dr. Leland, who had been heading back to her office from the cell block when she had seen Harley fighting to pull off Joker's clothes.

"Oh…nothing, Joan," said Harley, quickly. "Uh…I was just trying to convince Mr. J that it's ok to be naked in private with me, as opposed to that nude photoshoot he was gonna do…"

"What nude photoshoot?" demanded Dr. Leland. "This is a hospital for the mentally ill! We can't have people taking advantage of our patients by taking naked pictures of them! That's completely illegal!"

"There, y'see, Mr. J?" said Harley, triumphantly. "You wouldn't wanna have broken the law, would ya?"

"I'm certainly not the kinda guy who does that," said Joker, nodding. "Gee, it's a good thing you got here when you did, Doc. Cause Pammie's meant to be doing a naked photo shoot in a few hours with some guys from Playman. You'd better go put a stop to that."

Dr. Leland glared at him. "Is this a joke?" she demanded.

"No, Joan, it's true!" exclaimed Harley. "Red tried to talk me into being involved, but I wasn't comfortable with it. But she and Selina are still gonna go through with it."

"This is completely unacceptable!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Why do we even have visitors check-in at reception if an army of photographers can just waltz through here?! Oh, somebody is getting fired!" she hissed, storming out of the cell block.

Joker giggled. "I can't wait to see the look on Pammie's face when she's prevented from her whole female empowerment crusade by a woman doctor! What a great gag for a great day!"

"I know how to make today even greater, puddin'," purred Harley.

"Not right now, Harley," he said, pushing her away and dressing. "Go and find someone else to bother, huh?"

Harley sighed, reluctantly leaving his cell. "Our anniversary can't come soon enough," she muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

"Are the photographers here yet?" asked Selina Kyle, entering Poison Ivy's cell.

"Yeah, they're setting up in the Rec Room," replied Ivy, checking her makeup. "What took you so long to get here?"

Selina snorted. "What do you think? I was trying to have a nice lunch with my supposed boyfriend, but the moment he hears about Two-Face robbing the Second National Bank, he's off like a shot, telling me he'll call me."

"Men are such creeps," muttered Ivy, fixing her hair.

"Where's Harley?" asked Selina.

"She's refusing to do the photoshoot," retorted Ivy. "You know her – anything the clown says, she agrees with. And the clown says this is demeaning."

"I think he's just afraid that it might make other guys interested in Harley, and he'll have competition," said Selina, nodding. "He might actually have to put an effort into their so-called relationship after that."

"Don't get me started on the clown-bashing – we'll be here all night," retorted Ivy. "Let's go meet those photographers."

"I hope they're hot," said Selina, following her down the corridor. "Maybe I can invite one to dinner afterward. That'll show Batman."

They entered the Rec Room to see that it had been completely converted into a luxurious looking lounge, with pillows, colorful rugs, and dark curtains.

"Wow, this place looks amazing!" exclaimed Ivy, looking around. "Would you mind leaving it up when you leave?"

"I'm afraid Mr. Hefter insists on having all his property back after every shoot," said the lead photographer, holding out his hand to them. "It's nice to meet you, Miss Ivy, Miss Kyle…where's Miss Quinn?"

"Couldn't make it," retorted Ivy.

"Oh," said the photographer, frowning. "Mr. Hefter did specify that the deal was for all three of the Gotham City Sirens…"

"Are you saying we're not attractive enough to sell magazines without her?" demanded Ivy.

"Yeah, we don't need that dumb blonde," retorted Selina. "What guy would wanna fantasize about a submissive nothing like that, even if she is physically attractive?"

"Of course we're not doing this so men can fantasize about us," said Ivy, firmly. "We're doing this as a bold feminist statement, not to objectify ourselves."

"Ok…I just need to call Mr. Hefter to confirm this," said the photographer. "Why don't you two start getting undressed?"

He headed off into a corner, pulling out his cell phone, as Ivy and Selina removed their clothing. And it was at that moment when the door to Rec Room banged open.

"If you'll just leave him in here, Batman, I urgently need to have a quick word with…" began Dr. Leland, who had her back to the room and was speaking to Batman, who held a struggling Two-Face in handcuffs. But at the look on their faces, and their dropped jaws, she stopped speaking and whirled around to see the situation in the Rec Room.

"Oh…God," she stammered, stunned. And then she grew angry. "Out now!" she snapped at the photographers and crew. "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, exploiting vulnerable lunatics like this!"

"I'm not a lunatic!" shouted Selina.

"And this isn't exploitation – it's empowerment!" snapped Ivy.

"Pamela, you can do what you want in your own property on your own time," snapped Dr. Leland. "But on my property, you're going to obey my rules! And my rules are no camera crews and no nude pictures! Everybody out now!"

"You're dragging feminism back a hundred years!" shrieked Ivy. "I thought you would understand, Joan!"

"I'm not debating the issue of feminism with you," snapped Dr. Leland. "I'm just telling you this shoot is over. Everybody out, including you, Miss Kyle. You're not a patient here, and visitors aren't allowed in the Rec Room."

"Batman's here," retorted Selina, pulling her clothes back on and glaring at him.

"Well, he's practically a patient here!" chuckled a voice from behind them. Everyone turned to see the Joker standing outside the Rec Room, beaming.

"You jerk!" shrieked Ivy. "You told her about this!"

"Me?" said Joker, innocently. "Why would you think that? Just because I coincidentally happen to be standing here…"

Ivy shrieked, racing out the door and leaping on top of Joker. She knocked him to the ground and then began punching him mercilessly until the guards dragged her off to her cell.

"Well, that's certainly not the first time I've been attacked by a naked woman, and it certainly won't be the last!" chuckled Joker, standing up and dusting himself off. "Enjoy the show, Batbrain?" he asked Batman.

"Selina, c'mon," growled Batman, holding out his hand.

"No," snapped Selina. "If you'd rather spend your time chasing down lunatics than out with me, I don't want to have anything more to do with you. You wanna get dinner sometime, handsome?" she asked the photographer.

"Oh, thanks, but…I'm gay," he said.

Selina frowned. "Fine," she snapped, taking Batman's hand and leaving with him.

Joker giggled. "I can see why you still wanna water the weed, Harvey," he chuckled. "I've only ever been beaten up more enthusiastically by a naked woman once. Ah, me and Harley's anniversary can't come soon enough!" he laughed, heading back to his cell.


	7. Chapter 7

"I think it's really healthy for a guy to have a hobby, Johnny," said Harley later that evening, as she posed nude in Tetch's cell. Crane had coincidentally decided to take up painting as a hobby, and had asked if he could join Tetch and Harley in her nightly modeling session, to which Harley had readily agreed, despite Tetch's protests.

"A hobby that don't involve a guy in a bat costume," Harley continued. "Cause that's actually probably pretty unhealthy, especially when you've got a real attractive girlfriend who you neglect because of it. I know you boys don't really know anything about this, but women have certain needs, and it's really important if you ever get a girlfriend to be willing to fulfill those needs pretty regularly."

"I suppose you could always…find a different boyfriend willing to do that," said Crane, slowly. He had spent a lot more time studying the model than painting, and Tetch now elbowed him in the ribs.

"I guess that would be the smart thing to do, Johnny," agreed Harley. "Unfortunately you can't really help who you fall in love with. And it'd be crazy to break up with the guy you love madly, even if he ain't the most romantic guy in the world. But this portrait of me's gonna do the trick, you'll see. And maybe Mr. J'll even get two portraits, depending on how these lessons go, huh, Johnny?" she asked, smiling at him hopefully.

Crane looked from her down to his page, where he hadn't drawn a single line. "Perhaps," he agreed. "I must say, Jervis's painting is looking rather spectacular."

"Yes, it's nearly finished," agreed Tetch. "Maybe one or two more sessions, which is bad news for your painting lessons, Jonathan."

"Don't worry, Johnny – if you wanna finish, I'd be happy to model nude for you privately," replied Harley, cheerfully.

"Oh…well…that…" stammered Crane. "Sounds…uh…delightful…"

Tetch cleared his throat suddenly. "Harley, I wonder if you might excuse us for a moment," he said. "I'd like a private word with Jonathan."

"Oh…ok," said Harley, standing up and throwing on a robe. "No problemo. I'll just be waiting outside."

She left the cell. "You know what you're doing is wrong, don't you?" he demanded when Harley had shut the door.

"I don't see how," retorted Crane. "The girl is voluntarily modeling naked for the purposes of art, and I am interested in cultivating that art…"

"You've never expressed any interest in painting before – you're only doing this because Harley is nude!" snapped Tetch. "And it's completely dishonorable to take advantage of the girl like that by convincing her to disrobe under false pretenses!"

"Are you telling me you wouldn't do the exact same thing if you were in my place and it was Alice lying naked in here?" demanded Crane.

"I most certainly would not!" snapped Tetch. "I would be an honorable man and not use deceptive methods to stare at the one I love."

"Maybe that's how you'd hope you'd act, in that fictional scenario, but in reality…" began Crane.

"And you assume because something is fictional, it's not real?" demanded Tetch. "What utter nonsense! I have never heard such rubbish in all my life! Fictional things can be perfectly real! You must be terribly small minded if you think only real things are real! Terribly small minded indeed, as well as dishonorable!"

"You really do talk nonsense sometimes, Jervis!" snapped Crane.

"Well, whatever my faults, at least I am an honorable man," retorted Tetch.

"You're a completely insane man!" retorted Crane. "Are you absolutely certain you're not a pedophile?!"

"How dare you…" began Tetch, throwing down his easel on the table between them, the table that was laden with tea things. The easel hit the teapot and knocked it over, spilling hot tea into Crane's lap. Crane roared in pain, leaping to his feet and desperately trying to brush the tea off.

"Oh my God, Jonathan, I'm so sorry!" cried Tetch, instantly apologetic. He kneeled down in front of Crane and began wiping the tea stain with his handkerchief, and that was when Harley re-entered the room.

"Everything ok in here, boys? I heard shouting…" she began, but stopped speaking when she saw Tetch kneeling in front of Crane, wiping his pants.

"Oh…sorry to interrupt…I…uh…thought you weren't gay," she stammered, confused.

"We're not!" snapped Crane. "Jervis spilled tea on my lap!"

"Accidentally," reminded Tetch.

"A good psychiatrist knows there are no accidents," growled Crane.

"Evening, boys! I heard a shout and knew somebody was having a party!" chuckled the Joker, appearing suddenly at the entrance to the cell. He saw the situation in the room and his smile fell. "Although I ain't up for those kinda parties – don't swing that way…"

"Oh, for goodness sake, it's not like that!" snapped Crane.

"Harley, what are you doing here?" asked Joker, puzzled. "Tetchy can't teach you how to make tea if he's spilled it all over Johnny."

"Oh…yeah…well…see…the thing about that is…" stammered Harley, trying to think up some excuse. Then she sighed in resignation. "C'mon, Mr. J, I'll just show you. I was saving it for our anniversary, but it's mostly done anyway."

She led him over to the easel, gesturing to the picture. "See? This is the erotic portrait of me I asked Jervis to paint for your anniversary present."

"And why the hell would you think I'd want an erotic portrait of you?" demanded Joker.

"Well…uh…I'm your girlfriend," said Harley, slowly.

"Yeah, which means I can see you naked anytime I want," he retorted. "Why would I need some constant reminder of that hanging on my wall? If I wanna see you naked, I'll just ask you to strip. If I don't, I'll just ask you to cover up. But you ain't got any choice with this. It's just hanging there naked whether you want it naked or not. It's a terrible idea, Harley."

"Oh," said Harley, her face falling. "I thought you'd really like it, Mr. J. I'd really like an erotic portrait of you..."

"You would?" he said, beaming. "Well, that solves my anniversary present conundrum!" he chuckled. "Wish granted, sweetheart! Tetchy, how about you stop painting Harley naked and start painting me?"

Tetch stared at him in horror. "N…no, I don't think…"

"Aw, c'mon, buddy!" said Joker, putting an arm around him. "I promise I won't tease you about loving children for a whole week in exchange, how about that?"

"Not even if you didn't tease me about it for the rest of your life," snapped Tetch.

"Aw, ok, Tetchy – I've tried being nice, and now I'll try being not so nice," growled Joker, his tone lowering. He picked Tetch up by the collar, slamming him against the wall. "You paint an erotic portrait for me and you'll still have both hands left to paint with, get me?!"

"Y…yes, sir," stammered Tetch.

"Oooh, can I watch, puddin'?" giggled Harley.

"You most certainly can, pooh!" he exclaimed, beginning to undress. "Happy anniversary, baby!"

"You know, I've suddenly lost the desire to learn how to paint," said Crane, hastily. "Funny how it comes and goes, but what a fleeting mistress the creative muse is. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cell," he said, hurrying off.

"All right, Tetchy," said Joker, pulling the remainder of his clothes off and lounging on the bed. Harley stared at him, giggling in adoration. "Draw me like one of your French girls."

"I still don't know what that means," muttered Tetch. He looked at Joker, shuddered, and then reached for the paintbrush. "I just like to paint watercolors. How did I get myself into this?"

**The End**


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